Alan Cohen

How to Destroy a Sports Team


alan cohen


Paaaaaaaaannther  Faaaaaaaaannnsss !!!

It’s good to see you again.

I know many of you have wanted to hear from me since my last post in August.

I heard we had a successful trip to Sweden and earned a split with Detroit.

Nice going guys. I wasn’t there. No one told me the dates.

I was told upon our return to the US we played back-to-back games Friday at Raleigh and Saturday in Sunrise against NJ.

Went 0-2 , lost by combined 10-2 and got out-shot 87-19.

Been out-shot like 140-40 in 1st 4 games. That is our plan.

It keeps the goalie in the game.

I spoke to coach Pete DeBoer & he assured me he “thought we did some things well”.

We were happy to announce “under the radar” as it were, that Randy Sexton was promoted to GM.

Not sure who he is or what the GM does, but if Michael Yormark wants it “because it makes good business sense”, then I’m all for it.

Some of you actually believed we hired Bill Torrey to conduct an extensive GM search of 100’s of candidates. RMAOL !!

I saw some of the NJ highlights on NHL Network last night. The announcers were laughing and called us the “same old Panthers”.

Is that good? I don’t know.

The arena looked empty, so I can only hope everybody drove there in their own cars, paid for parking, spent lot’s of cash on cotton candy, pretzels, cokes, and

used panther jerseys for sale in panther land.

We are building a strong foundation for the future, Panther Faaaaaaaaaans !!

Come on out to the Amoco station at Commercial & University in Tamarac Monday to meet Goldy & The Panther Patrol. We will raffle off used 2002 “It’s A Ritual” t-shirts.

Now it has been brought to my attention that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was at the BAC last night for the Devils game. Lot’s of great seats available !

I wasn’t there. But our people fed him our mission statement:

We are building a solid foundation for the future and stocking our minor league system.

We assured him David Booth will not be wasted in Sunrise. He will be moved to a playoff team in April for draft picks, prospects & a 37 year-old journeyman center “that will provide leadership”.

That’s all for now Paaaaaaanther faaaaaans!!




October 11, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

August 2009

alan cohen

Panther FAAAAAAAAns!!

It’s good to see you here, while this is free.

We will soon begin charging $5 to view this blog.

Proceeds will go towards our extensive General Manager search.

I know many of you are disappointed we have not qualified for the playoffs since I bought the team in 2001.

Once again:

Please be patient during our rebuilding process, as we continue to build a strong foundation for the future.

Our intention is NOT to make a 1-year playoff run.

We intend to compete for Stanley Cups every year! (when you stop laughing, read on).

As a new season is upon us, I will be posting my thoughts on the issues that are most important to you, our loyal fans (the remaining 416 of you):

  • Caravans
  • Locker rooms
  • Western Canada Split Roster Preseason Schedules, and of course,
  • Best places for pancakes in Finland (nice job Gorton, way to stay on message!)

Our extensive General Manager search continues, and Goldy has been a big help.

And a public apology to Bill Torrey.

Honestly Bill, even I was surprised you fell for it!

Many of you have inquired about the sale. The team is for sale. It is not for sale. It includes the surrounding real estate. It doesn’t.

If any of you have an offer in mind……………….contact Michael Yormark.

Also, if anyone knows a part-time goalie consultant who will work for a $15/day per diem, is willing to split time between Sunrise & Rochester, has his/her own accommodations in both cities……………………… Michael Yormark.

Open tryouts continue for the 2009-2010 Panther Patrol: If anyone knows a jackass that knows nothing about hockey, will work for free, and shoot cheap t-shirts over the glass…………………contact Michael Yormark.

We are also looking for a few new Ice Skanks. Again, if you know any average-looking bimbos that know nothing about hockey……… Michael Yormark.

As we approach the 2010 NHL Trade Deadline, I will instruct Randy Sexton, er, our new wonderful, well-respected General Manager, to get the best deal possible for David Booth, as we continue to stockpile talent and lay the foundation for future success.

The Red Wings have already offered:

  • 2 – 2012 Draft Picks
  • 2 – Minor League prospects (to be named later).
  • 1 – 35-year old journeyman who will provide leadership; and
  • 1 – $5 Little Caesar’s pizza (I love those).

Tickets are available for our annual preseason dinner, they are $500, and include 2 well-drinks. Then it’s cash bar……….contact Michael Yormark.

 That’s it for now Panther Faaaaaaaaaans!!

 Always, AC

August 29, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments